Added: Joshual Laborde - Date: 05.12.2021 22:47 - Views: 47706 - Clicks: 9333
Everyone says it. They say chemistry is a must. I know I say it. But why do we say this? What exactly is chemistry, and is it really the best indicator of a good partner? I remember the day I met him, and he opened the door and flashed his ear-to-ear grin. Oh, and yes, he did break my heart.
Why did I place my feelings for him and my desire to be with him over my own sanity, my security, and my needs? Why do we do it over and over again? Why do we value chemistry over caring? According to anthropologist Helen Fischer, chemistry is really a mixture of hormones testosterone and estrogen and neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin. In her book Why We Loveshe lays out a framework indicating there are four distinct personality types, each made up of varying degrees of hormones and neurotransmitters.
But, underlying this biological chemistry is a psychological chemistry, which is when we are seeking out someone to heal the damage done in our childhood. This chemistry is where our problems come in. Sometimes we know it, but we keep moving forward anyway. With Tim I knew immediately. I felt his avoidance and his emotional unavailability. My intuition told me to run the minute I met him. Unfortunately, my hormones, my soul, and my heart told me otherwise, and I continued a pattern of push and pull, love and disdain for over two years.
Some it showed up later and some were worse than others. But I felt an immediate connection with every single one of them and went from being single to being in a relationship within a matter of days. Not once did I take the time to determine how they treated me.
Not once did I take the time to observe their behaviors and their willingness to meet my needs. I let chemistry and my feelings toward them override common sense. My childhood issues were running the show and have been since I can remember. Every one of them had the same characteristics. They were all kind, honest, good guys. But none of them seemed to care about my needs as much as their own. Life was all about their wants, needs, and desires, and I was supposed to just accept it. Unfortunately, I did accept it. I took it for as long as I could until I eventually left.
However, this is not a healthy way to interact in a relationship. I was at fault for settling and not speaking my mind and discussing my needs. I suppose I felt that I was lucky to get their crumbs, and if they said they loved me that should have been enough.
There was always an underlying chemistry with all of them that kept me there and kept me trying. One night while I was separated from my husband, he spent the night after we went out to dinner. I remember lying there next to him. Chemistry can be the most amazing thing on the planet. The highs you get are amazing. Unfortunately, the lows that can also come with it are very low.
So, what do you do? Emotional ambivalence feels safe and normal to me at first. It feels like love and it feels like home. Unfortunately, that type of love is not at all fulfilling as an adult, and I have to figure out how to rewire my brain. What I think needs to be done going forward is to examine my choices more carefully before diving in.
They put couples in a room together and let them interact. They followed them over the years and came to this one conclusion: Every person turns toward their partner in an effort to make an emotional connection. They called these needs bids. Attention 2. Interest 3. Affection 4. Extended conversation 5. Emotional support 6. Humor 7. Enthusiastic engagement 8. Play 9. What does this have to do with moving forward and with choosing a partner based on caring instead of chemistry?
It means you have to observe them. When you reach out in an attempt to make a connection, how does your partner respond? Do they respond to your bid or move away from it? But, if you have and they still fail to meet your bids, then your relationship is likely doomed to fail. So, take some time to write down what it is that you need in a partner.
What are your non-negotiables? This should not really include things like height or hair color or body type. This is a basic list of some things to consider. Before you invest time dating you need to invest time in yourself.
Figure out what you can and cannot do without. Write down three to five of your non-negotiables and stick by them. The heart wants what it wants and chemistry can be a powerful force.
Maybe this is what we all should think about if we keep choosing chemistry over caring. Carrie L. Burns is a blogger on a mission of self-discovery. As a sexual abuse survivor that struggled for years with depression anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and relationship issues, she found her purpose through writing and sharing her story with others. Check out her other writing at www. This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice.
Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Jung Everyone says it. What is Chemistry? The Four Personality Types The Explorer, defined by high dopamine activity, is adventurous, novelty-seeking, creative The Builder, with high serotonin activity, is cautious, conventional, managerial The Director, pumped up with testosterone, is aggressive, single-minded, analytical The Negotiator, more estrogen-influenced, is empathetic, idealistic, a big-picture thinker But, underlying this biological chemistry is a psychological chemistry, which is when we are seeking out someone to heal the damage done in our childhood.
Gottman identified nine separate emotional bids that include: 1. Self-disclosure What does this have to do with moving forward and with choosing a partner based on caring instead of chemistry? About Carrie L. Burns Carrie L. Web More Posts. See a typo or inaccuracy? Please so we can fix it! Did you enjoy this post? Please share the wisdom :.
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